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Lolita Charm: How to Be Yourself Online

Thursday, December 23, 2010

How to Be Yourself Online


It's been a long time since I started Lolita Charm, and longer before that were I was simply online, interacting with the lolita community and the rest of the Internet in general. Often when you tend to interact more online than you do in real life, real-life meetings can be nervous! Friends online might be shy at their first get-together, worried that the person they know is someone else when away from the keyboard. The first time I met my first lolita friends, I was so sure they were secretly 40-year-old men I insisted we meet at a coffee shop! But I am very proud of the fact that the girls I meet say that I really am the person I seem to be online. "Huh," one friend said. "I'm so happy that you're really... well, you." But that's not an easy feat. Some girls do seem to have two sides: one for online, sprinkled with tons of bows and glitter, and something totally different for on the street or at meetups.

It's easy to get lured into 'being someone else' online. First you change your name - from something as ordinary as Libby to, perhaps, sparkleprincessunicorn57 (or whatever your preference). Then you use a different little picture to represent yourself. And then you are thrown into a big world where you realize, without your real name or real face, you can be anyone. It's a huge temptation to throw your real self to the wind and play into being whoever you want.

Who do people want to be? Do they spend all their time and energy making sure their 'online self' is perfect? Or there are others who want to be the complete opposite - maybe queen bee, maybe that-girl-who-has-everything, or anything else you can dream up. And what's so bad about that? Well, read this little fable...
“Shouldn’t you be running away?”

“Why should I run?” replied Rabbit. “I’m a wolf. Other animals run away from me.”

The wolf leader tilted his head and eyed him suspiciously. “You don’t look like a wolf to me.”

“Nope, I’m definitely a wolf.”
(About a rabbit named Rabbit)

Finished? Hopefully you really did read about Rabbit the rabbit. In case you did decide tl;dr, here's the gist: Rabbit the rabbit thought it would be super cool to be a wolf. But being a wolf is hard when you're really a rabbit. It seems like an obvious point, but a lot of people don't realize just how hard it is to pretend to be someone else. And while you're busy making sure no one else ever finds out that you're not Princess Peach or, alternately, Regina George reincarnated... everyone else is just having fun. 


So how do you make sure that what goes into your keyboard comes out as you?

  1. Use your real name and real photo. You don't have to plaster the internet with your social security number, or use your real photo if you're not comfortable. But I think it does add a lot by using or at least displaying your real name - first names only are fine. I'm much happier that I introduce myself and write under my real name, Victoria, than I am using a screen name (though you could consider my longer name, Victoria Suzanne, to be a pen name - it's still my legal name!) Real photos also help. One thing I like about meeting lolitas on Facebook is that they use real photos - taken by friends, at events, with their dogs, whatever. You can get a real sense of a person through an honest photo.
  2. Think about what you're going to say. On second thought, don't. When you decide to leave a comment/write an article/make a video, write from your gut reaction. It's easy to get in the nasty habit of reading a collection of comments for consensus and then adding a 'me too' to the gang. If you must see what the party line is, try to write your comment or article first, and then read it over (so that you don't repeat others if you're commenting, or have the wrong facts.) 
  3. Make real friends. Even if you are a lolita trapped in Siberia, you can still have lolita friends. You don't need to have an 'online presence' or online persona to do it either. Join a community, perhaps something small or niche-oriented with lots of individuals looking to share ideas and chat. Then pick out a few people you seem to click with and strike up a friendship. Chat with IM, meet in real life, make Facebook friends, or follow each other on tumblr. It's much easier to be yourself within a small group or just a one-on-one relationship. Not only is it good practice at being yourself through the internet, it also keeps you from developing a Ms. Hyde character on the side. Real friends keep you honest. 
  4. Be personal. A lot of people from the past generation believe in 'don't air your dirty laundry in public' and 'sticking to the niceties.' Small talk was invented precisely for this - to avoid talking about anything actually personal. Don't be afraid to divulge into your own life and history online. Sometimes I've been shy in talking about things personal to me, like my kidney transplants. But the response from readers is overwhelmingly positive - they want  to know who you really are. It's a part of you - don't hide it.
  5. Don't follow trends - start them. Okay, if you really love a trend, then sure. Remember when cake hats were the coolest thing you could wear? If you're just dying to slap a cake on your head, then go for it. If you're just tying on a slice of Black Forest gateau to be with the in-crowd and look chic, then skip it. When it comes to your style - whether that be what you wear, what you blog about, or simply who you present yourself to be online, just choose what feels natural to you. It may be that your unique style or interpretation introduces the world to something new! If everyone stuck with the pack, we'd never have seen evolution and development in lolita fashion. By choosing what they thought was beautiful, and being true to themselves, whole new styles and subgenres began. They were brave enough to be themselves!

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posted by Victoria Suzanne @ 2:32 AM

3 Comments:

At December 23, 2010 at 4:05 AM , Anonymous Pinkcandy said...

am trying to keep my self light hearted i have problems on telling people things i should not its not like i do it on purpose its just most of the time the internet in anonymous and i don't talk about my problems very often and it comes spilling out every now and then its kind of annoying

 
At December 23, 2010 at 9:37 AM , Anonymous Miss Moxie Matched said...

This was great, Victoria. I know that I use a fake name and don't really post my picture online, but it would be nice to be as free as you. I don't have friends (lolita and not) so making friends is awkward and just ridiculous for me but I'm actually thinking about at least posting a picture of myself on my blog. I have one from the PMX actually and I think I will post it. Thanks, this was very uplifting!

 
At December 23, 2010 at 9:46 AM , Anonymous Spiffykidd said...

I love this article. It's becoming increasingly important that people understand that although the internet isn't real life, the people who go on it are real people.
Don't hide behind a pretend persona! Just be yourself. I've found that it's a lot easier than I initially thought, simply from branching out and talking to people more, be it over msn or lj etc. You soon realize that your real day to day self is also your internet self and you don't need to add anything to it :3

 

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