Lolita Charm: Is Lolita Selfish?

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Is Lolita Selfish?

She spends hundreds of dollars upkeeping her wardrobe. Her hair, her nails... and refreshing the rhinestones on her cellphone. She loves to surf the internet for new deals on her favorite brands. She has a journal detailing her daily outfits. She can work a self-timer to take photos of herself. And some would call this selfish.

Selfish is a such a stinging word, isn't it? It smacks of other serpentine, s-words - self-entitled, snobby, and narcissistic. In the world of the modern day, propelled by lattes and designers, we are still sensitive to the snub of the word 'selfish'. (Why else would we become stealth shoppers when others are suffering from the economy?)

So is the lolita selfish? Her pursuing of the fashion takes up a great deal of her time, money, and attention. She buys herself presents as often as she can, and enjoys babying her hair with serums or styling her wigs to perfection. She is a perfectionist by nature down the last detail.

To decide whether the lolita is selfish, we must reference back to the role of women in society. It has been an evolution of how 'selfish' we are allowed to be, how much we can focus on ourselves without incurring hard stares. The woman of the 50s and pre-feminist era was required to spend her time, money and attention on her children and husband. She was supposed to plan meals, have dinner parties for her husband's business associates, make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and focus on serving her family as best as she possibly could. If you've ever read The Women's Room by Marilyn French or The Doll's House by Henrik Ibsen, you know where this landed leagues of frustrated female suburbanites. Even today, a woman is instructed to 'take time for herself' - because it is assumed the rest of her time is not her own, but she devoted to the wellness of others. The usual notion of women devoting resources to themselves, by the way, seems to boil down to taking a bubble bath or reading a chick-lit novel while the kids are at soccer practice. But the structure of what is acceptable for women is becoming a different creature all together. Marrying later, marrying less, later and fewer children, more career ladder than neighborhood social ladder. And that's the age into which lolita fashion is born.

Lolita is about doing something for yourself. That much is obvious. It is a focus on you, your style, your emotions, your idea of beauty. You decide what to wear and how, and what color your want your hair to be, and if you want to carry a violin-shaped bag, that's your choice. It's an independant choice, mostly against the norms of society, that you chose because you value your own emotions rather than the decision of the majority - or anyone else, for that matter. As I said in my post on vanity, paying yourself that level of attention isn't wrong - it's the basis for self-love. Today's gurus are constantly telling us to 'self-love' if we ever expect anyone else to love us. We only veer from healthy self-esteem into selfishness and vanity when our actions are at the expense of others. Momoko of Kamikaze Girls, hardly a moral paradigm, lies to her father to afford her lolita clothes by making up sob stories. She insists that you should just do what makes you happy, at any cost. Most lolitas would cringe at the thought of tricking someone who invading others' rights just to satisfy their urge for fashion. So long as she respects others, her self-focus doesn't ring up with the negative connotation of selfish.

There is also the notion of shopping. The lolita shops a lot. (Sometimes it's referred to as a hobby, because shopping online is about as time consuming for some girls as making a ship in a bottle.) Whether she prefers brand or offbrand, sweet or gothic, tiny accessories versus flamboyant dresses, lolitas tend to buy themselves little gifts (which I advocate, keeps up morale! ;) You choose the item because it makes you happy, not anyone else. Makes a nice change from your husband or signifigant other telling you how to dress, doesn't it? And with that, why wait for a man to buy you flowers, jewelry, chocolates? Modern women work and have at least some disposable income - they don't need men to pay for everything as before. There is even a special pride in buying yourself the trinket you want. It reminds you of how far you can go, on your own speed - not that you begged help off of a prince or fairy godmother. (In an alternate version, maybe Cinderella works odd jobs to pay for her own gown?!)

This is not to say that lolitas are completely materialistic and unaware of the wants and needs of other people. Many lolitas come from alternative backgrounds, which lend themselves to being altruistic. I've seen lolitas discuss in-depth the morals of buying items which might be produced by exploitative labor. Many lolitas I know are vegetarian or vegan on moral grounds. The Washington state lolitas even chose to run a lolita-sponsored food and toy drive for their local food pantry. So even though it is a style centered around the self, that isn't to say that the girls underneath the clothes are vapid creatures only concered with materialism.

So to the original question - do you consider lolita to be selfish, or even the gentler term 'guilty pleasure'?

Lolitas have seen the waves of feminism come and go. The world of bra-burning, manly shoulder pads - that has all been delegated to history books now, or hardly talked about. This generation's feminists are tired of trying to care for men, or prove they should not care for men, or whether they would like to be men (in full power suits). We've finally decided to do something for ourselves, on our own terms. And if it is selfish to care about one's one spiritual, physical and mental well-being, then - guilty as charged.

photo by sucreriemag.com hearts you

Labels: culture, discussion

22 Comments:

At March 14, 2010 at 1:59 AM , Violet LeBeaux said...: Fantastic article! I don't see my fashion or way of life as being selfish, I see it more as a pre-requisite. For example a car needs a working engine before it can take you places and I need to feel good before I can do things for other people. The things that make me happy may be expensive brand, a $1 bottle of nail polish or just doing my hair prettily. It's not selfish for a car to have an engine, it's just what it requires for it to be functional ^_^

This such a far reaching issue with Lolitas, Hime Gyaru and women in general, it's nice that someone is actually talking about it!
At March 14, 2010 at 3:43 AM , Anonymous said...: Lovely read ^^

Sometimes it's just good to be selfish ;)
At March 14, 2010 at 3:44 AM , Mariko said...: I've thought about this too. I'm saving for a Baby jsk, but I know that when I get the money, I'll feel that guilt, thinking that I shouldn't be spending so much money on one dress. I think these kind of issues need to adressed. I don't think of Lolita as a change from "dressing how my significant other tells me how to dress". No one should let their significant other tell them how they can dress.
At March 14, 2010 at 6:55 AM , Marie said...: You always write such good articles! I just have to read it all!

I think that if you know you can afford to give yourself those little presents then it doesn't have to be selfish. You earned it, right?
But if you and your signifigant other is having moneytrouble then of course you shouldn't buy something for yourself.
Saving is another option though, that's true!
At March 14, 2010 at 10:17 AM , jessica said...: Anything you do for yourself other than the bare necessities is selfish... but it's silly to expect everyone to be like Jesus. If people have the money, they buy themselves things that make them happy. That's just how it goes.
At March 14, 2010 at 10:43 AM , KittyDragon said...: Great post. If the bills are paid and your gas tank is full why not spend the little extra cash on something that makes you happy. We all work hard or go to school, we have the right to reward our selves!
At March 14, 2010 at 12:12 PM , Mykki said...: I don't think Lolita is selfish at all.
At March 14, 2010 at 12:14 PM , Sara Mari said...: I think hobbies/lifestyles like this are only selfish when a person uses all their money on themselves for cute clothes or accessories and let their parents or partner pay for all their bills. I'm guilty of this.

But just wanting to buy this type of clothing doesn't automatically make you selfish. I never knew people thought that.
At March 14, 2010 at 12:39 PM , Saffron Sugar said...: I think that being selfish is great, and I'd never deny that I am. Never let anything come between you and what you want!
At March 14, 2010 at 2:18 PM , Poppy said...: This is a hard question to ask since it seems most lolitas are young, which means alot of them really don't have anyone else to be responsible for.

and all young people are selfish
At March 14, 2010 at 5:06 PM , Victoria said...: I think it's okay to spend your own money on what makes you happy. If you work hard and earn your own cash, then it's fine. If dressing in Lolita makes you feel confident and beautiful, then nothing should stop you from dressing in that style. :)
At March 14, 2010 at 8:26 PM , Anonymous said...: I like this article. Even though you should care about other people it's okay to do things for yourself too. I'm kind of traditionalist about family roles but even if you do take care of your kids or whatever then you'll get burnt out if you don't take care of yourself at all. If you're miserable then you'll just make everyone around you miserable anyway. As long as lolita, or any other hobby, doesn't become a "thing" then it's okay to be a LITTLE selfish. It's okay to have things you like and care about others unless you get to the point of worshipping yourself.
At March 15, 2010 at 12:05 AM , PinkJucie said...: good point very good
At March 15, 2010 at 2:14 AM , Jaime said...: Very good post!
At March 15, 2010 at 3:05 AM , Anonymous said...: I always flip back to this, deciding if i a, selfish or not, my one friend (male i might add and not into lolita) said something that made me feel better " Don't be afraid to do whats best for you, everyone is selfish and looking out for number one, so you should too", not to say that ignoring everyone's needs is good but it's okie to think about yourself too, too many of us, worry about others more than ourselves and we let go of whats important to us to help whats important to others, its good to have a balance, and i think Lolita keeps me that way.
At March 15, 2010 at 4:04 AM , Psu said...: Great article. I think being selfish isn't really bad. If you don't think about yourself, who's going to do it?
I work really hard to buy myself all my little (and big) gifts, am I'm proud of it.
The problem comes when someone can ONLY think in herself. Then that's not so good... haha!
At March 15, 2010 at 3:57 PM , Nikki said...: Thanks Victoria for the mention. I hope it inspires others that even if they feel they are selfish, or are thinking of themselves, they can volunteer or spend time helping others.

It's fine to indulge a little, but it's even a greater feeling knowing you've helped others. It makes being a thoughtful and more gracious lolita worthwhile.
At March 15, 2010 at 11:45 PM , Keely Valentine said...: you really do have the best articles lovely!
At March 16, 2010 at 8:04 AM , D. said...: This is a cool article, I really like it.
At March 16, 2010 at 9:01 AM , Miss Moxie Matched said...: This is a great article! Keep up the good work. I absolutely love your blog.
At March 17, 2010 at 1:28 AM , beata-beatrixx said...: Well put!
At March 25, 2010 at 3:58 PM , Anonymous said...: I never really thought about this topic before, but I can see what you mean - and I love your justification.

In my view, there's nothing stronger and more meaningful that I can do for myself than work hard, earn my own money and then spend it however I like. I appreciate my lifestyle so much more knowing that I work for it.
I don't think there's anything selfish in doing that so long as a girl isn't dependent on anyone else but herself.

Besides, as Princess Skye said, "A princess is entitled to spend all her money on beautiful things, because beauty is priceless"!

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Sunday, March 14, 2010

Is Lolita Selfish?

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