Lolita Charm: The Dangers of Standing Out

Friday, July 23, 2010

The Dangers of Standing Out

As we waited for the subway, among the other milling New Yorkers, a man approached me and said his friend would like a photo with us. I glanced back at the 'friend' who seemed to be more interested in the pavement. The man had a leer I didn't like; what's worse, he reminded me strongly of a creepy ex-boyfriend of mine with twenty years added. It wasn't his physique or his haircut or his nose; it was a bright, unhealthy glow in his eyes and twitch in his gums. I tried not to look him or his friend directly in the eye while I said, no, no photos. The guy asked demandingly, why? A bad sign. Feeling irritated and wary, I said that we were just waiting for the train like everyone else and are not available for photos.

My friends and I boarded the subway and snagged some empty seats. Within moments we realized that the guys who had just been bothering us had sat down directly across from us and had a large camera out, snapping photos and then, even worse, directly filming us - with a blinking red light like a pervert's eye. The guy was leaning over to his friend and giggling as they watched the screen. We were not people sitting across from them. We were not real girls. We were little images on a screen, clearly for their enjoyment. Our only defense was to speak more and more loudly about pathetic people who get their kicks from bothering girls on the subway. After ten or fifteen minutes of this stalemate, a couple from the other end blocked the camera, giving the guy a great shot of the boyfriend's butt. Thus we made it to our stop and escaped. I couldn't help but glance backwards as we ran down the platform. The man was craned around in his seat, grinning like we were old friends. My heart hardened, and in true New York style, I flipped him the finger while Miss Lumpy grabbed my arm and ushered me away.

Fastforward a few weekends. My boyfriend lives in a very small, rural town in northern Connecticut, where there's no radio reception tucked into the edges of the mountains and the sunsets melt across the hills - a place I've often called 'God's country.' He doesn't agree. I didn't really understand it - the railroads, the sunlight, the fireflies that wink in the dark - what's not to like? Not only recently, when the carnival came to town, did his meaning hit home. The carnival there was small, set up on a green no bigger than a soccer field. I was excited to nab some cotton candy, ride the carousel, and take photos. He was nonplussed but willing to go until I mentioned I'd wear my Starry Night Theatre skirt from Angelic Pretty. He said to me: "Doll, I love you and I love how you dress. But you can't wear lolita to this. It'll be a problem." I laughed it off. People stared at his supermarket, yeah. People said things about my hair. What could they say that I hadn't heard before? I had long stopped caring about the comments and gawks.

He wasn't kidding. It wasn't until he said that he'd have to bring a knife that I began to understand. As he explained: there would be problems. They would be drinking. They would confront me, confront us both. It'd be five or six to his one. There aren't any police in his town - just a local trooper for the nearby villages. They didn't like outsiders and they didn't like anyone different. These were the kind of people who were going to start a fight if too many minorities came to their carnival. This was a small town with small people. It is far from New York City, far from Boston, far from even Connecicut's capital, Hartford. It wasn't the place for people to stand out.

I have been bothered in public before. Heckled, crazy questions, slurred at, photographed, all the usual things. Sometimes it was implied that our style was sexual. I've been called a cracker, hooker, freak, an embarrassment to my family. But there is an invisible line. Sticks and stones may break my bones, surely, but so can threats and videos uploaded to myserious websites and forums in the shadowy corners of the Internet, where footage of girls unknown to the danger can be replayed again and again to anyone who wants to see it. The memories and angers we replay in our own heads, at their disrespect, at the blatantly obvious fact that we are not human to these people. They do not know that we are lovers of toy dogs, makers of jewelry, collectors of Godzilla figures or writers of children's books or anything else. And what is worse, they don't care. Their ten minutes of fun have ruined the rest of the day, a shadow of primitive fear and suspicion that hovers over our previous joviality. Or worse, for those who are actually attacked and suffer the abuse, their few hours of fun have ruined lives. The lives of these girls, who had no idea what was coming; the lives of their friends and families and lovers who will suffer alongside them and never be the same.

How often does this happen to people in our community? How often does this happen to the alternative subcultures as a whole? Is it as rare as the media makes it out to be, or is it unreported? Do we pass these stories around furtively even amongst ourselves? I've heard snippets of rumors - girls who have had black paint thrown at them from cars, or that a man threw a slushie into a crowd of lolitas. Even more disturbing, a friend of a friend was actually attacked on the bus. While with another lolita and on their ride home, the man harassing her began to choke her. After both girls fought back viciously, the man suddenly just got up and left. When my friend angrily turned to two other men who had witnessed the attack and done nothing, they said it was their own fault for instigating the attacker. How had they been instigating? By 'looking like that'.

This isn't just a question of being lolitas, and it isn't just a question of being young girls or even adult women. This isn't just about feminism and a woman's right to take the subway in the middle of the day with her friends without worrying about being attacked. This is about the right of expression and right to follow a subculture. Subculture violence is not limited to our tiny kingdom - S.O.P.H.I.E, Stamp Out Prejudice, Hatred and Intolerance Everywhere, began when its namesake, Sophie Lancaster, was kicked to death in her small English town for being a Goth. She died protecting her longtime boyfriend from the blows of their teenaged attackers. This music video/animation was done in her honor to show exactly how she died and what the SOPHIE Foundation stands for. If you haven't seen it, please watch it; if you believe this should never happen again, repost/retweet/retumbl and get the word out.

Time and time again, lolitas have insisted that we are not out for attention. We do not dress up to be stared at or asked about or to feel some kind of limelight. It's been stated as much to me that the reason I and my friends get dressed up and go into the city is to be a spectacle. They say tha we must want and enjoy that kind of attention, if we keep doing it. They fail to realize that lolita is not about other people. In such a tell-all, reality-show, made-for-TV, pix-or-it-didn't-happen culture, we do not actually care about the people around us. If a lolita is alone in the forest, is she still a lolita? She doesn't need an audience to be a lolita. Lolita is for the individual. Lolita is about what I find attractive and how it makes me feel beautiful. It is my standard of beauty that I have adopted for myself, and how I want to see myself. It is how, after a time, I feel comfortable and how I see myself. It's always a shock for me to leave my bubble of friends and family and realize that to others, even my hair makes me alien to them. But to try to assimilate would be trying to be something else - something I am simply not programmed to do.

I admit, it took me a long time to write this article. This subject was hard to discuss, let alone write about and feel the closeness of home. I am lucky enough to live in a mostly tolerant, if unimpressed area. I'm from the edges of New York City, I love to spend my time in bohemian Seattle. I've never had to endure the hard edges of the deep South or the deeply conservative Bible Belt. I can only imagine how much worse it is for lolitas in areas even more restricted, even more determined to keep their world homogenous. And how they will go to any lengths to do that. For those who have experienced anything similar to what I have discussed, violence, sexual harassment - stay strong. You can do it. Don't stop being who you are.

Note: I've added LC's first 'feminism' tag, necessary for anyone who wants to start reading all of my lolita + feminism articles or who supports feminism from any subculture.

Labels: culture, discussion, feminism

48 Comments:

At July 23, 2010 at 10:01 AM , Rosalynn said...: I really, really admire you for being able to write your heart out like this.
Stay yourself, stay strong! There are people that love you for who you are.
At July 23, 2010 at 10:11 AM , Unknown said...: Thanks for posting this. I'm sure there are many women who feel exactly the same and your sharing will help. Thanks.
At July 23, 2010 at 10:14 AM , Dalin said...: This is fabulous hon - great job and I'll stand next to you always :)
At July 23, 2010 at 10:22 AM , Anonymous said...: Thank you so much for writing this. It's painful to see that there is so much hate towards people who are "different". I do live in the south, and I do dress differently than most people-plus I'm a Muslim girl and I wear a hijab. Some stare right out, some laugh to their friends and make snide comments, and some actually come up to me and say things such as "Aren't you hot?", etc. But, thanks again for this article. :3
(P.S. I LOVE your blog. I just started reading it last week. I love the lolita style, too! I just ordered some clothing. C: )
At July 23, 2010 at 10:25 AM , Avina Lana Rose said...: Like Rosalynn said, I really admire you for writing your heart out like this. I heard about Sophie Lancaster last year, and I was brought to tears. This article did the same thing. It both empowers me, but makes me very sad. I wish there was a way to end intolerance.

I actually live in the South. Although it is more liberal than the Deep South (I live in Florida), I still have to be careful about what I wear and when I wear it. I try to go out with a larger group of friends when I dress up, and change as soon as it gets dark outside, just to avoid negative attention. And it makes me bitter and hurt that I need to take all these measures just to ensure the safety of myself and loved ones who happen to be caught up with me.

This being said, I love my friends from the bottom of my heart, the ones that dress up with me and the ones that view from the sidelines. They stick up for me when I'm being teased and guide me away if they notice someone looking at me the wrong way before I do.

But these are all measures we shouldn't have to take. Maybe someday subcultures will be accepted and everyone is allowed to do the things they love. It breaks my heart when I talk to a girl who says, "I'd love to dress like you, but I'm too scared of what people will think."

Lolita empowered me, it made me stick up for myself more, and it hurts that there are people out there that so easily would love to take that power away.

Thank you for writing this.
Avina
At July 23, 2010 at 10:33 AM , painkiller80 said...: this is how i feel everything, even if i'm a strong person and don't even try to bother me or something

always people said to me "that i dress lolita because i want attention, because i like to stand out"
i'm a shy person myself so the way i dress is for myself only and for the ones i love, i simply hate when people assure to know everything about someone only because is different

thanks for this <3
At July 23, 2010 at 10:42 AM , MacaronTea said...: This was a wonderful article, well stated and I'm so glad to see you write about it with sincere thought. Just because it sometimes goes unsaid doesn't mean it doesn't happen. ;_;
At July 23, 2010 at 11:51 AM , Kyttyee said...: Thank you so much for writing this article. It really brings to attention how close to home these issues can be for lolitas, especially those living in more rural and less open-minded areas. Thank you for speaking up and bringing these issues to attention!

I'm currently dealing with this conundrum myself, as I am attending my boyfriend's family reunion in Kentucky. While his family is wonderful and open-minded, I'm hesitant about how the rest of the town will be like, and I'm considering foregoing lolita for the safety of his young nieces and nephews who will be out and about with me... T_T
At July 23, 2010 at 12:00 PM , Lou Graves said...: beautiful article. I support the sophie foundation and will most deffinately spread the word.
At July 23, 2010 at 12:15 PM , . said...: I live in a small town that's right next to the ghetto, but since theres never any news about what happens here and my small town seems so peaceful, It's really easy to forget that creepers are crawling everywhere. In fact, sometimes I forget i live next door to one! (Just last winter he got mad at my parents for something and ran over our mailbox.) My mom and I have looked up the pedphiles in the area and found that we had several living within a mile of my house. There are also a lot of gangs that come through or go to school here since its so close to the ghetto. A while back I went for a walk with a friend and a guy our age walking his huge german shepord let it attack us, I nearly got bit and looking at his face I could clearly tell he knew his dog was vicious and did that on purpose. My friend's mom told us recently there was someone kidnaping kids so we shouldn't be outside. I've been harassed and bullied when I go out because of my pink and blue hair, have even had a little kids parents give me this evil stare and yell at their chidren because while ther were doing something else he turned around to ask me about my hair. I report all the times I've been harassed at school and when I'm out in public, and any time my harassment was caused by the way I look my parents tell me "Well if you're going to look like that youre going to be harassed. You say you don't like attenton but then you go out in public looking like that." My own parents feel that I look the way I want partily for the attention.
If you think you live in a safe neighborhood, do some research first to make sure you really are first and don't let your guard down in any situation, Because if something happens and you ARE in that situation, chances are no one will help you, or even care. You don't want to be in a situation that could cause you or anyone you know physical harm or that could put your life in danger.
If you know youre going out in a dangerous area it may be best to tone it down for your friends' and your own safty. It dosen't matter if you're a die hard lolita or if you just like wearing skirts, If it's for your better intrest sometimes you need to blend in over standing out. There is nothing right about what is going on and how people are openly attacked because "you were asking for it." No one asks for something like that. I wouldnt even wish that on someone I didn't like.
At July 23, 2010 at 12:38 PM , Mimi said...: That was amazingly well written and I can only imagine how difficult it was for you to put that all out.

I have to admit it really hit home. I remember my mother was a bit hesitant to let me wear "alternative" or even lolita out. It wasn't that she didn't like them. It was that she was afraid for my safety, as your boyfriend was.

My mother grew up in a rural town in Alabama. And though she and my father raised me in a more "accepting" Virginia town..The thoughts and concerns still remain.

I ask that you stay strong and continue to spread the message~

-hugs- <3
At July 23, 2010 at 12:42 PM , Holocaust Journal said...: Have you ever considered learning self-defense? Please do consider it. I don't mean to suggest taking lessons from Jim's Tae Kwon Do studio or anything like that. I mean taking a class that teaches awareness of the situation- how to react when getting into the car in a parking lot when alone, how to use car keys as a weapon, who to go to if you're in an unfamiliar place and need help. I'm passionately for women learning how to take care of themselves in all situations, and ladies who are brave enough to stand out ought to know how to handle themselves!
At July 23, 2010 at 1:06 PM , pichii said...: Amazing article Victoria and many extra points for quoting Chuck Palahniuck... sticks and stones may breaks your bones but other actions do a lot worse. I have been a victim of internet and personal harassing. I've gotten my photos posted at strange websites were sick people comment nasty things on them. Those photos posted by people who get off on destroying others behind a computer, behind a book shelve in your local Borders with a camera, perverts lurking around going into forums asking for tits of gtfo... thank you for this article I really speaks to me.
At July 23, 2010 at 1:26 PM , CherryColors said...: Well written!
I completely understand what you said there, and I have to agree.
I live in a small town, in an even smaller Country that doesn't support different people. I want to have pink hair, dress up like a cute lolita, but then I'd be afraid to go out.. because honestly here's so much hate.. :/
There's enough of harassment here, for wearing a mini skirt, and it's terrible.. :/
At July 23, 2010 at 2:54 PM , The Evil Banana said...: wow, scary, enlightening and food for thought. I actually haven't transitioned to lolita 24/7 yet, though and I've been working towards it the last 7 weeks since Anime Expo and felt so much more acceptance in the world of lolita, but in my town (which ironically is only a hour out of los angeles, CA) has NO LOLITAS and when i dress... i seem to confuse all. I'm still working towards wearing my lolita appearl to work and continuing the direction of how i ACTUALLY like to dress.
At July 23, 2010 at 3:21 PM , Zeruda said...: Your the best, you always hit the nail on the head. Your words are so hurting, yet so true.
At July 23, 2010 at 3:28 PM , Georgie said...: Really good article. It makes me so angry when people judge you by the way you dress, I'm not a lolita but I don't feel comfortable wearing a skirt or dress of any length anymore and walking through my town alone because men leer at me.
At July 23, 2010 at 3:29 PM , Charlie said...: So true. Although I don't see why you're so bothered about people being impressed. I can see why they would be, I don't wear Lolita, but I've researched it and been a fan of it for years. But recording is just... creepy. /:
At July 23, 2010 at 3:35 PM , Unknown said...: This is such a great article. I hate people who stands around when other are being hurt and do nothing to help. We live in a world where it's not ok to dress the way we want without unwanted attention, and tht is just plain sad.
At July 23, 2010 at 4:31 PM , Il Ruinante Sir Isaak said...: This is not an eye opener, but it is a reminder of the perverse and hatred still imbued in human nature. Purely and utterly atrocious. If I wouldn't be arrested and put into jail for it, there are many, many equally terrible things I would do to such offenders. Ironic justice, no?

It's a shame one must learn how to love, but knows from the start how to hate.

Please stay safe in the future; all Lolitas, or others who choose to express themselves in ways others choose not to understand [this includes myself now, it seems]. I know there is only so much you can do with what you might know and have, but perservere. Being true to what you wish to be shouldn't have to include such a thorn as worrying about negative actions of others.
At July 23, 2010 at 5:06 PM , Reed said...: I'll write a much longer answer when I have time, but I will say this. I understand how it feels to be targeted for the way we dress. My college is VCUarts in Richmond VA, and despite being an art school (4th best in the country), I get harassed on a daily basis by the locale and various homeless people, even the police and other students think it's funny to point and jeer and snap pictures.
I applaud you and Miss Lumpy for keeping your cool, despite flipping them the finger (i understand that too well), so really this was a great post. I'll have a longer reply later but thank you for writing about this, I know it took strength.
At July 23, 2010 at 6:23 PM , KittyDragon said...: Like all the others said, Thank you! This is something that I have delt with my whole life. In middle school I loved my cowboy boots with stars that no one understood. I only wore them twice from the harassment. Then in high school I was very tomboy/goth and was constantly accused of doing durgs and being a slacker or bum. At this point in my life I am use to the stares and the laughs but I still can't get past the "whys". I usually ask "do I need a reason to be myself?" I love the fact that we are lucky enough to have friends who understand and like the same things. I'll be honest though, sometimes I get nervous when I travel outside the comfort of my own "area" dressed Lolita. I always travel in a group for safety. I never again want some random guy to ask me to try E and go home with him. I cried because I was so scared. Us in subcultures need to stick together and get the word out that we are just people who love what we think in beautiful.
At July 23, 2010 at 6:25 PM , Lexie said...: It's horrible what people do to "different" folk. Luckily I live in a pretty accepting town and the only time I get heckled is when my petticoat causes problems.

New York City is a really different experience for me sometimes. Some days people just lay on the compliments while other days full grown adults who should know better jeer and act like immature children.

I think it's part of being part of a large group. Conforming is a way of accepting the fact you are part of a larger group. But when you're different people sense it's a threat to their "normal" lives that all they can do is be mean.

Your article definitely brings together this whole issue, especially since it seems to occur so often in the lolita community.
At July 24, 2010 at 12:22 AM , Mykki said...: Thank you so much for posting this and sharing your experiences. Sad as it is, I think this serves as a wake-up call that we still live in a society where things like this happen and people refuse to see us as human.
At July 24, 2010 at 1:05 AM , Reed said...: Alright to continue my comment.
I really can relate to your comment about how you were no longer girls, you were pictures on a screen. And that behavior is absolutely appalling.
To add to what I already said: I have a girlfriend (i am a girl), so of course there are some religious fanatics wandering the streets near my school who like to heckle us.
Once my girlfriend and I were walking back from a friends house and two kids about our age were following us. I was slightly intoxicated so I was unsure if I was imagining hearing things or not, but they followed really close behind and were speaking rather loudly. I was referred to as the tutu ballerina, and to avoid explicits, I will just say they described in detail how they thought my girlfriend and I would be intimate. For four blocks, they followed us, and I mean it's a sketchy area and I was intoxicated so I did not want to start anything.
Once we were within two blocks of our dorm, I made my girlfriend stop walking and I just glared at them as they walked by. They didn't even bat an eye-- they acted like they had done nothing wrong.
The fact I am a lolita just seems to draw attention to the fact that I am indeed dating a girl, and causes my S.O. and I more trouble than it's worth. I tone down what I wear a lot, but in daylight hours, I wear whatever I please. After four though, I can't.
Once a homeless guy ran after my friend and I when I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, my friend is an all-out goth. I looked to another man for help who was standing at a bus stop, since I thought I heard him yelling at the man as we ran by. When we were safe I turned around and looked at the man who was yelling (who was clad in a business suit might I add), and he made the most inappropriate hand gesture to suggest that I wanted to 'tea bag'.
I felt dirty. I felt like crying. I spent the next two days hiding in my dorm and trying to talk to my RA about all of the various incidents. I really hate where I live, and as soon as I get the chance, I'm moving to California, two blocks away from the BtSSB store.
I will never understand why in America it's not socially acceptable to make fun of someone for their race or their gender, but it's completely fine to harass people who dress differently. The two stories I mentioned were just the most recent.
I pray that nothing like the Sophie incident befalls anyone else, but I know my prayers would be in vain, for as long as nice people exist in the world, there will be some truly horrendous ones.
And the most messed up part about the whole thing is-- I go to an art school. I walk by indie kids and hipster kids and kids drunk out of their minds 24-7. Art is supposed to be about freedom of expression, but if I'm not getting awful comments from passersby, I'm getting them from my classmates. My peers, who I submitted a portfolio with and was accepted alongside them, yet because I don't dress like they do they think it's fine to jeer. (The only great part about being an art student yet being harassed is that I carry around a utility knife, a drill, large wooden planks, nails, a hammer, and spray adhesive on a daily basis.)
I apologize for the long comment. The point is that I'm proud to say that I read your blog because you and Miss Lumpy handled that situation better than I would have. Both of you showed courage and handled yourselves like real ladies. (Flipping them off was completely understandable-- New York-style is the only one I know.)
However, if I ever saw two men videotaping girls, and obviously being sleazy about it, I would break their camera, then take their picture and call the cops, calling sexual harassment because that is exactly what that is.
The golden rule- "Treat others as you would like to be treated."
At July 24, 2010 at 1:17 AM , Melody said...: For the first half of my childhood, I was raised in Portland, OR, in the most mixed racial neighborhood possible. I'm white, and I was a minority. I never felt singled out, though. I always felt comfortable with everyone being different.

When I was 9 I moved to a small town populated by strictly white people. They were ranchers, farmers, mechanics, good 'ol boys and PTA moms. I started getting fat around the same time, and I was *tortured* mercilessly every single day for being different.

I left when I was old enough and I went back into the city. I was a goth, I died my hair, I dressed in poofy dresses, I was exactly who I wanted to be, and I wore and did exactly what made me happy. Whenever I would visit my family, I would get the nasty stares- with violent eyes, like they wanted to curb stomp me for not being just like them.

I remember going home for a visit and heading to the local bowling alley for a night out with my friends and my sister. I had Purple hair, my BFF had Blue hair and my sister had Pink hair- we walk in, and someone grabs the loudspeaker microphone and announces to the alley full of people, "LOOK AT THE FREAKSHOW THAT JUST SHOWED UP"... we sat down for a few minutes, uncomfortable, and then a group of young men came up looking very agitated, acting like car salesmen saying, "We think it would be best if you found something else to do tonight," while warming their fists in their hands.

Girls. We were teenaged girls, and these grown men were threatening to beat us if we didn't leave a freaking bowling alley.

It's gross. It's disgusting. I don't know what can be done about it. At all. The people who listen, they are intelligent, but the people we need to reach... they don't care. To them, different is disgusting, no matter what, and it must be stopped. I left that town, and it is only with regret that I look back, because my father lives there.

It is a terrible problem. I'm so sorry that you had to deal with it, because you should NEVER be frightened to be who you are. We have come a long way, but we have a long way to go, still.
At July 24, 2010 at 11:52 AM , Kelsey Wolf said...: This is a great article. It makes me so upset that some people decide they're going to hurt other people just because they're different. It makes me even more upset that other people sit and do nothing while this is going on!

I love alternative subcultures, including lolita, and I definitely stick out in a crowd. I'm also religious, and something that really bothers me is how often other religious people, who profess to follow beliefs of love and caring for others, can be so unaccepting and hurtful towards people who look different, or even people who choose to do something we disagree with. We're not showing someone love if we yell at them for getting drunk, or some other activity that we don't approve of. We're not helping someone when we call them names or look down on them. We're not representing what we say we believe. And I'm sick of it. I wanna do my best to show people that it is possible to believe in a God and care for everyone, no matter what they do or how they look.

I'd rather hang out with people who aren't afraid to express themselves, whether they are "doing something wrong" or no, than be with people who believe what I believe but look at me and others like we're freaks.
At July 24, 2010 at 3:34 PM , Holocaust Journal said...: Sorry to double comment, but I want to inject a little bit of a positive side to this post (This is in no way meant to belittle the stories of personal bravery posted by others here- just to provide a bit of sunshine).:

I personally have never been harassed for how I look. I live in the somewhat less underpopulated area of Vermont (IE near the one sizeable city in the state). When I go out in lolita, or wear something else eye-catching, I can be confidant because as of now, the most "intimidating" thing to ever happen to me was being stared at or having gotten a titter or two from some middle schoolers. More often I get interested questions from strangers, or compliments, or even just smiles. Vermont, especially "urban" Vermont, is a fairly tolerant place (true, the less populated areas can be a bit backwards and intolerant, but those areas are far outnumbered, and dwindling). Gay couples walk around holding hands, and goths mix in with hippies and preps. It gives me hope that other places can also become more tolerant of others in regards to superficial differences.
At July 24, 2010 at 4:32 PM , lilly piri said...: This sucks that stuff like this still happens! It's 2010! I just wanted to chip in and say that I watched a social study the other day about harassment. When a single person is being harassed in a crowded area (or area with even a few people) no one will help, because there are so many others there no one feels responsible, BUT, if the harassed person ask one of them directly for help, people immediately pitch in and help protect the person. This is just something to keep in mind. I'm not sure it'd help in a rural town, but maybe in a city.
At July 24, 2010 at 7:03 PM , Saffron Sugar said...: I think this is something all girls, not just Lolitas, are familiar with. Though with lolita it's perhaps more intense because you stand out. Women are so threatened in society, and blamed for the atrocities that are done to us - we can't flirt, wear short skirts, draw attention to ourselves in any way, because thats "asking for it" (which is such complete bullshit in my opinion)

Here in Stockholm we have a huge problem with tourists, especially in the old city. If you're in Lolita, you can't even stop in the street without people taking photos of you, and I don't mean one or two people, but as many as ten at a time. It's terrifying to be objectified that way, it's like you're a tourist attraction, and a simple novelty rather than a living, breathing person.

I think that we could fill a book with stories of how we've been objectified, ridiculed, threatened, stalked and so forth, and that makes me so sad. It's like society wishes to punish us for being who we are.
At July 24, 2010 at 9:40 PM , Arika said...: You know it's stuff like this that makes me glad to live in Portland Or. This whole city is a subculture.
At July 25, 2010 at 3:57 AM , larissa said...: Thank you so much for writing this!!

I'm sad to find out that this happens pretty much everywhere! I have been assulted more than once by other females in my city (in casual wear!) and have had awful verbal abuse from both males and females.
It broke my heart to read that a NZ lolita was vicously assulted by a group of girls in a town with alot of alternative fashion subcultures :(
I know it's sad, but things like this are the reason I hate majority of humanity, I don't understand how some people can be so cruel. It's disgusting.

Great post by the way (:
At July 25, 2010 at 4:16 PM , Maddy said...: I've had something similar happen to me. I at a local park with my boyfriend and this guy kept on following us with his camera. At first I just thought we happened to be walking the same paths (cause ya know.. it's park) but after awhile we realized he was blatantly following us and taking pictures of me. It was creepy as hell, and we quickly left.

I'm use to people asking for pictures, but asking and just TAKING like you're a voyeur, are two different things. I still wonder what happened to the photos. I haven't seen them online anywhere, so I can only imagine. Ick.

Thank you so much for writing this. It is very sad and scary, but it's truthful. I now live be the rule of "there's a time and place for lolita". While I wish I could wear it everywhere and everyday -- there are just some places in which looking too different could cause more harm than good. =/ It's a real shame too.
At July 25, 2010 at 11:06 PM , Anonymous said...: This is a very important post.
I applaud you on it.

People really need to start looking past appearences. It's sad that anything considered "different" is frequently looked at in a negative light. It's sad that people are forced to hide who they are or what they like because they're scared of being "different".

Superb post.
At July 25, 2010 at 11:22 PM , Unknown said...: I suppose I'm lucky. I life in a subculture mixing pot as opposed to somewhere completely uniform. However, you still don't see people walking around in Lolita. Its still something that is uncommon and something that if you're seen walking around in, a spectacle will be made of you. Granted, most of the feedback is positive, but there are people like the men on the subway. People who have come up to me and told me the things they'd like to take me home and do to me. Now, I'll admit that in the BDSM subculture, I'm rather fond of human dollification, not with Lolita, but just in general and with people I've come to trust. However, in everyday life, with strangers, its got to be one of the most terrifying things ever. It is a completely scary experience, and yes, I have feared for my safety while wearing Lolita.

I know that it would be nice if people could look past appearance, but lets face it, that won't happen in our lifetime. I would also definitely recommend a self-defense course for any woman, not just one in this subculture.
At July 26, 2010 at 8:29 AM , Mademoiselle Parapluie said...: This camera thing has happened to me too. Usually I either grab my own cameraphone and aim it tothe person who's trying to take pictures from me or give a faboulous sparkling attack of smile. These things seem to confuse most of the attackers, though living in Finland it migth be due to their natural shyness.

There has been some quite threathening cases where thank heavens we have moved around as a group.

Only once I have faced this kind of situation alone and it really was from the gross end of the spectrum. I was on a quite the busy buss stop in the center of our capital and there was this guy about my fathers age. The people got into a buss and I was left alone with this guy AND he started to masturbate! And took he took a step toward me. Luckily I am quite runner (even in heels and petticoats and whatnot) so nothing worse happened. He too had the nerve to act like we knew eachother by waving me when my buss left the stop. But still I think the really scary thing is that no one helped. No one even reacted.

Mademoiselle Parapluie
At July 26, 2010 at 10:25 AM , A said...: Wow. I can't imagine what it must be like to be singled out to such an extent simply because of what you wear. I was into Goth in high school, and all I can figure is that I must have lived in a very tolerant portion of the Southern Bible Belt. Although occasionally people at my school were subject to teasing because of clothing choices, mostly the "regular" kids left the rest of us alone to do our own thing. I remember thinking how small-minded and dull my little hometown was, but reading this makes me think I must have been extremely blessed to live there.
At July 27, 2010 at 2:48 AM , Batterie said...: WOAH. This has left me a little uneasy after reading this and the comments. Personally, I've always dressed very, very, oddly, but I've never gotten any harassment here in the midwest, the mid-midwest. I have a feeling that'll change, though...when I'm in art school. Anyone go to KCAI that could gauge the tolerance level?
At July 27, 2010 at 2:16 PM , Anonymous said...: This was a great article, although it always seems a bit strange from my point of view when I hear about people being so cruel to lolitas. I've been wearing lolita fashion for about two or three years now and the biggest problem I've ever had has been people staring at me. No one's ever made a mean remark, nor has anyone seemed stalker-ish or anything of that sort. I live in a farming community that's surrounded by fields, corn, cows, and not much else. I wear lolita dresses everywhere I go and everyone seems to be really interested in it, especially the little girls. And what's more, it seems like no one around here has ever heard of the term 'Lolita' whether it be the fashion or the book. I'm a christian and a regular churchgoer, and the ladies at my church seem to enjoy seeing what I'm going to come in wearing.

I'm happy that I haven't had to experience the problems that I hear about so much among other lolitas. But it also makes me feel strange when I find that I can't relate to people who have these problems.

You chose a great subject to write about, I hope girls who experience problems like this can gain from reading this.
At July 28, 2010 at 12:10 PM , Luna Rain said...: Every time I hear the name Sophie Lancaster I get this horrible sick feeling inside me. I remember the story being on the news and I was incredibly enraged. I was ashamed to live in the same country as those vulgar people. Surprisingly, it made me want to wear my "strange" clothes even more despite the fact that I still get harassed (and sometimes it has been very horrible).

Getting bullied for wearing alternative clothing may not seem as high a priority as homophobia or racism, but Sophie's story is still grim and harrowing. I really hope there are no more cases like her.
At August 2, 2010 at 11:39 PM , Grace Wong said...: Wow, this post has completely moved me. Thank you for being so brave to be able to write this. I feel as if you have touched some part in me that I have never dared to touch.

It scares me to know how lolita can be so scary, yet I feel so relieved to have read this. I think that the real beauty of being a lolita is not only about the frills, tea parties, and whatnot, but about the courage and power in which each one of us can speak out our individuality.

Thank you.
At August 3, 2010 at 2:39 PM , Anonymous said...: I am new to lolita and while I knew I would be getting some ugly reaction they have affected me more than I thought. Thank you for helping me to put things in prospective and for sharing the story about Sophie Lancaster. We all need to spread the word about her story because in this supposedly civilized and advanced world this should never have happened and should never happen again.
At August 6, 2010 at 2:32 AM , Anonymous said...: it is shocking what people think is ok to do to each other just because someone looks or acts different. I can't even imagine getting significantly angry with someone for their style of dress. But there are lots of crappy people in the world...
and there are lots of wonderful people in the world, too.

I would be careful though about your assumptions about various areas. Just because people are from a particular area or have particular religious or political beliefs does not mean that they are cruel or intolerant.
At August 9, 2010 at 4:41 AM , Sana said...: you have got lots and lots of courage to do as you did and to write it all out, however, i would advice you to maintain caution as poeple are bad too and sometimes they end up hurting others just becase they are a bit different from them, make sure you learn some protective moves and move in group, thats the best way to ensure self-protection, my prayers are with you!! Only dressing differently does not give anyone the right to harrass others, check out Annie's Online Clothing for more
At August 16, 2010 at 10:20 PM , Jessie said...: Wow. Thank you for this awesome, moving article.

I'm from a town of 18K in southern Texas and my friends and I have always dressed out of the norm here. People sometimes mocked us but it was never cruel; people here are a very mock-nice. They tell you that they think you're weird but they put it in the nicest way possible.
Like:
"You're such a pretty girl, wouldn't you look better wearing less black?"
My town does have a very large population of goth and indie kids so maybe they're getting used to it. The older residents like my lolita, I think they see it as old-fashioned. They like the cute shoes and modesty and prefer it over goth any day; especially my Grandmother. :p

Strangely enough, the only time I have ever been really cruelly mocked was at Six Flags Over Texas were I was asked "Did your mother teach you to dress that way?" by a redneck in cammo.
Why? Because I was wearing boots with shorts.
It dawned on me later that if I had been wearing cowboy boots instead of my hipster boots no-one would have cared.
I wanted to cry, I felt so awful. I couldn't believe that the tiny town I was from could be more accepting than one of the biggest cities in Texas. Though, I have to say that Arlington is very pretentious as far as Texas goes.
When I lived in Arlington there was a huge pressure to look dressed up and in "The norm" all the time. I frequently went to the movies in heels and pearls. If you wore a t-shirt and jeans to a restaurant you would get bad service and stares.

My lolita and cosplay experiences in Houston and Austin, however, have all been very pleasant. I get stares but over all people are very receptive. I have never been in any more fear than I would have been otherwise.
I cannot imagine being in fear for my safety because of what I wear. Here if you're in danger you'd be in danger no matter what you're wearing.
At August 20, 2010 at 7:25 PM , DestinLisette said...: Wonderfully well said. Why should anyone be afraid to express themselves in the items of which they wear? Fashion is not a sterotype. Its a expression of one's inner being. I beleive it shoes people who we are, we we used to be and what we want to be. It's a amazing thing and Lolita is just absolutely gorgous. I have no idea why ANYONE would ever even dare abuse the fashion.

Thank you for standing up. For taking charge. Its girls like you that will better this world for all us other females who are constricted by the standards of society =D
At September 20, 2010 at 9:00 AM , Anonymous said...: Thank you so much for writing this.
Although I was into gothic fashion (casual, not frilly) in high school, I have since taken to covering up and trying not to be noticed, for exactly the reasons you just wrote in your article. I hate getting attention (I'm just a very shy person and am very uncomfortable with being the center of attention), but I am absolutely in love with lolita and have been for years. I keep subtle accents of it, such as my haircut (although it's grown out now, and needs to be redone), but I've always dreamed of going "all the way". However, two things keep me from achieving this: not knowing where to find any dresses (I have an extreme aversion to online shopping, due to past experience), and being afraid of the attention, and what may come of it. I'm sad to say that I've gotten harassed by people before (mainly truckers - I used to cashier at a truck stop - no offence to the nice and sweet truckers out there!), even without dressing up in any way. But I suppose it all depends on where you are. I'm moving to Austin, Texas in the spring, and I've fallen in love with this place too. Everyone is weird - nothing is taboo. I think I've finally found a place where I can be brave enough to dress the way I want to dress without fear of creepy leers or anything like that. <3

Sorry, I kind of went off on a tangent there. :P Anyway, thank you again so much for writing this article and inspiring me! I look forward to reading more of what you've written on here. :) Bai bai!
At May 11, 2011 at 6:23 PM , Anonymous said...: I know that this was from a long time ago, but I was looking back over some old posts of yours and this caught my attention again. I love this post to bits, and I just thought I should mention how lucky I am with regards to people's responses when I go out in lolita. I live in South Carolina, and so far, any negative experiences I've had don't even compare to practically any others I've heard. I've been hit on a few times, but less than when I'm not wearing lolita, and nothing even remotely threatening. I've been called bo-peep and a creme puff, but in tones of either surprise or pleasure, not ridicule. I may have had one or two rude comments yelled at me in the halls, but that's high school; it happens to everybody once. Much, much more prevalent are the compliments from both friends and strangers (generally middle-aged women, and particularly black women--I wonder why?). So, I guess this was just to say, not everyone is a douche-bag, there is hope for diversity, and there is at least one very lucky lolita who has never felt threatened because of her fashion choice.

~Caroline (Creator_Chaos)

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The Dangers of Standing Out

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