Lolita Charm: Lolita Vs. The Perpetual Manstand

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Lolita Vs. The Perpetual Manstand

Lolita is a hobby and subculture that most girls enjoy for themselves. They build their lifestyle around what they find is cute and appealing; they purchase the clothes they think reflect their idea of an ideal lolita. And while many lolitas have friends also into lolita, they still go home at the end of the day and are in their own cocoon of frills.

But life at home is not always alone - there comes a time when signifigant others come into the picture. Friends, roommates, and family are all privy to the lolita's lifestyle, but living with a signifigant other is another story. This person lives so closely to the lolita lifestyle and culture that they can't help but be part of it. For S.O.s (signifigant others) just adapting to the lolita lifestyle, it can be a confusing place. How do you involve your S.O. in your lolita hobby? Are you doomed to spend hours alone in the bathroom curling your hair, while your loved one is watching reruns on the couch? Is your loved one completely baffled by how much underwear (underwhere?) you don for lolita, or doesn't understand why Angelic Pretty has so many prints named Milky _____? (Hey, nobody does.)

Consider it very much like the female version of videogames. Many girls have boyfriends who are entrenched in videogames - and at first, they might be left in the cold while their darling finishes another round of Smash Bros. (or whatever you crazy kids are playing these days! :P). But rather than complain about the games or spend less time together, these girls grab a controller and a handbook and learn how to play themselves - maybe even discovering that they like it! Both videogames and lolita are time-consuming hobbies, and mostly single-player (if you'll pardon the expression) - meaning they're not typically a couples activity. But with some practice and accommodation, nobody has to feel neglected while their S.O. kills orcs or shops for new hairbows.

Here are a few ideas on how to involve your S.O. in your lolita hobby (without resorting to making your manly man pop on a bow!)

Go online shopping with him. Whether you do it with him leaning over your shoulder or by sending him emails with cute links, involve him in the process of selecting clothes and defining your style. Any guy is interested in what his girl wears, because visual appeal is a big part of the male psyche. The big part here is to dialogue - talk about it! You love this dress for the lace, but maybe he prefers another because surprisingly, he thinks polka dots are cute! Giving him the opportunity to have input will definitely interest him in your hobby without demanding he take an active role in it.

Play dress-up. The real-life version of online shopping, this gives your S.O. the chance to see not only what you have for lolita clothes (your chance to show off!) but also a crash course in what goes wear, how to ties bows, and to see what he finds appealing on you. Maybe he never would have thought how much he likes to see ribbon lacing on you, or how practical bloomers really are. Again, it brings him into your world and he gets to have input.

Don't go alone. Take your S.O. to a lolita meetup so he can get the gist of what goes on and what lolita is all about. Although reluctant to attend a frilly tea shop, most guys I know would rather go with their girl and endure the poof than sit at home waiting for her to get back - after all, they just want to be with you!

Dress-up Round Two. Maybe your boy doesn't want to be dressed up as a girl (shock!) or even as a devilish, Oscar-Wilde dandy (too many frilly sleeves and Seinfeld-esque poet shirts?) but that doesn't mean he can't dress up with you. Find what he likes to wear from flipping through magazines of any kind - whether he's into an urban style, cowboy look, skater boy, steampunk, or industrial goth. Some other good inspirations are period action films where the men are time-appropriate but still masculine and swash-buckling - my boyfriend loves the look of many outfits in the new Sherlock Holmes film. Essentially, it doesn't matter what he wears or whether or not you 'match', but getting to join in the fun of shopping and dressing to kill when with you is sure to be a mood booster.

Polyvore It. If you've been working with your S.O. on lolita fashion and you think he has a good handle on it, give him free reign and let him choose your outfit for a day. Depending on his skill (and your trust level), it can be for either a meetup or just out to get coffee.

All Caught Up. Don't just keep it between yourself and your pals and an instant messenger - share all the gossip with your S.O. Being privy to all the lolita crowd in-jokes or the current goings-on is a great way to have things in common, and even guys love to dish the dirt. They'll fit in better with meetups if they can snort along with you at Angelic Pretty's latest crazy caper of merchandising, and they won't be staring off into space while everyone chats.

Meet in the middle. If your boyfriend has a specific hobby he's in love with, is there a way for the two to meet? A wonderful friend of mine, Crystal of Pretty Wonderland, told me that she and her husband enjoy one of their mutual hobbies LARPing (live-action roleplay) for a steampunk group, where she plays a lolita-based character set in a steampunk world. They can both have their cup of tea (if you'll excuse the pun) and still spend time together.

When it comes down to it, your S.O. just wants to be with you and involved with you - just like you want to be involved with and spending time with your S.O. Nobody has to give up what they like to be in a healthy relationship. There have been countless articles in women's magazines on 'relating to your man and his desire to fix carburetors/grill/play Halo' so why not an article on 'relating to your girl and her desire to wear frilly clothes/paint things pink/explore old graveyards'? Do you have other ways in which you share your lolita hobby with your S.O.?

Note: I have chosen to mostly write this from a heterosexual viewpoint, as a girl discussing boys, but please apply these to the gender of your current relationship in whatever form that might be.

photo courtesy of tumblr - though obviously the point of this article is that your S.O. would prefer not to look like Akira! :P

Labels: boys, guide

14 Comments:

At May 29, 2010 at 12:00 PM , KittyDragon said...: Great post! I have been in my relationship for over 6 years and these tips are true to almost any interest you have. I was lucky that when I found Lolita my boyfriend was part of it, he even helped pick out my first dress!!! He also is the one to tie all my bows and even helps me pick out what accessories to wear. We find a way to share our interest. While he is playing video games I sit in my cute outfit and cross stitch. We get the chance to be together doing what we both love. The best part of relationship is to share. Tell him what makes you excited and in return get excited with him over the things he likes. Even now with him in Iraq we send each other pictures of the things we like. It keeps our relationship alive(ps. it still sucks being apart) Thank you Victoria for all you lovely incite and advice.
At May 29, 2010 at 10:57 PM , Princess Keyrey said...: My boyfriend actually bought me my first Lolita dress! He'd seen me posting cute Lolita things on Facebook and fawning over them, that he tried to surprise me and buy one of them for my birthday [Meta's leather-ish-looking skirt lol sooo tacky and i loved it. but it was sold out]. I got to actually pick a dress though. <3

I was already a gamer when we started dating, so getting me to play certain games he liked or talking about them was no problem. And he use to own two issues of G&LB [he gave them to me]. Honestly, I haven't been trying too much on sharing the hobby, but he's putting up the effort. Sometimes when we're chatting online and he asks what I'm doing and I say that I'm looking at -such-and-such-brand-, he'll ask me if I found anything cute and for a link so he can see it.

I'd like to bring him to a meet up eventually, after I personally attend my first one and get to know the community. I'm sure I could even get him to dress up a little ;3 He did want me to coordinate an outfit for him...he'd probably even go Brolita if we could manage it <3
At May 30, 2010 at 4:31 AM , Michelle said...: Girl, I could kiss you! This is such a great and really inspering post!
I myself am a gamer anf so is my BF but he actually sits down and look at lolita stuff with me :D
Although we are not there yet where he is picking out my outfits, design ind polyvore or bought me my first lolita dress *sigh* but hopefully it'll come some day :D
At May 30, 2010 at 6:08 AM , ~NiKi~ said...: I think all this tips are very useful! But the truth is: most of the boys are not interested in fashion and go shopping with them is almost a miracle!
I try everytime I can to ask my boyfriend wich dress use for a date or a loli meeting and still he says "I don't know, choose waht you want, you are pretty with everything", so lovely comment, but not helpful xD. But little by little I ask him if he likes the dresses I want to buy and I think I'm making a pregress xD YAY! So cool article, boys have to think about his lovely girls too!
At May 30, 2010 at 2:25 PM , Mykki said...: Great post.

My boyfriend could give a hoot less about lolita though and doesn't really care what I wear. But he does complain when I take too long to do my hair.
At May 30, 2010 at 5:12 PM , クリス said...: My boyfriend and I have a common hobby being, gaming. I share anime with him, and he shares sci-fi with me. We each try to reach middle ground.

Like Princesse said, my boyfriend always asks for whatever I'm looking at in regards to egl and if I like something. He is trying to dress up in EGA, which I think is incredibly loving.

He does not pick out stuff for me though--he goes to me asking what to wear for even everyday casual wear xD
At May 31, 2010 at 2:32 AM , Anonymous said...: haha... I would never expect my husband to help me pick out a lolita dress or go to lolita meetups with me. He would be bored to tears! I don't expect us to have all of the same interest. He'll dress up for an event if I ask him,... but I can't imagine him chatting with a bunch of lolitas that he doesn't know. He'd feel awkward and bored.

He'll shop for normal clothes with me occasionally and he thinks my lolita stuff is cute and doesn't mind, but I really can't expect him to somehow have a preference between a dress with bunnies on it and a dress with deer on it. I think it would be a bit unrealistic to expect most guys to do that. That's great if they do, but I would expect that it's quite rare.
At May 31, 2010 at 9:51 AM , Anonymous said...: I've explained Lolita to Patrick, and he continuously asks questions about the inner goings of meet ups, rules, regulations, etc., but that's just because he's expressing interest in what I'm passionate about because he loves me. I highly doubt he cares.
At May 31, 2010 at 11:11 PM , Mariko said...: My guy honestly doesn't really like Lolita, he thinks it's silly, and I can't imagine him ever wanting to go to a meetup. But he will listen to me go on about the different styles, the projects I'm working on, the different kinds of lace, the latest Lolita gossip, etc. I don't really care that he doesn't like it, because he knows that I have fun and that it's something I enjoy, so he listens to me go on about it anyway. (He does seem impressed with my sewing skills though, lol).
At June 1, 2010 at 5:38 PM , ra_life said...: When you live with someone in real life you can do different things - you don't have to get 'into' what the other person is doing. I think it's healthy to have your own space.
At June 2, 2010 at 12:11 AM , Poppy said...: I would never put my boyfriend through all this torture, haha. Seriously though, a very thoughtful post.

Its sweet if these things work but there's no need to do all the same stuff in a relationship. In fact, if you've been dating awhile, it's nice to have separate stuff. I can't tell how nice it is to have my own separate "girly time' with lolita friends.
At June 2, 2010 at 1:47 PM , Anonymous said...: Hehehe love this! <3
It's always fun when John gets involved in my lolita discussions. He has great insight and an eye for style. I often talk potential purcahses over with him to get his feedback. It's so helpful to get his input. I would have never thought he could be so fashion conscious, but I guess after submerging him in my lifestyle and making him watch hours upon hours of America's Next Top Model and Project Runway, he's gotten fashion savy ^.~
At June 2, 2010 at 5:51 PM , Mysza said...: I did it the other way around: found a guy who adores my lolita-ness, loves my cookies and is a bit of "eternal-child" himself. But not too much, it still should be safe to grow old by his side.
He even wants to dress EGA on some ocassions, even though i never actually asked him to.

I frankly just can't understand girls that hide their frills and bows in a closet "because they want to attract the right kind of men". I wouldn't ever consider a guy who can't accept my looks and quirks a "right kind"...
At June 16, 2010 at 2:30 PM , Anonymous said...: my boyfriend is the perfect example of the 'macho-man'. (his hobbies include guns and motorcycles. ^^) but my extreme girly style complement him and we work out to be the perfect pair. (he has this hidden cute side and i try to exploit it whenever i can. XP)
he also enjoys looking at loli_secrets with me and listens to the latest lolita buzz just like i listen to him talk about restoring motorcycles. i don't think you have to like the hobbies your s.o. has as much as they like them, but just listening to a couple rants they have about their hobby is good enough.

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Saturday, May 29, 2010

Lolita Vs. The Perpetual Manstand

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