Velveteen Girls

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real." ...

"...That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

I found a book recently at a church rummage sale - a slim volume called The Velveteen Principles: A Guide to Becoming Real. It's a little self-help book speaking about the hidden wisdom in the children's story, the Velveteen Rabbit. I had been entranced with the Tao of Pooh and the subsequent book the Te of Piglet, my interest was peaked. I bought it for the price of two quarters and sat on the quad a few days later, reading it and soaking in cold sunshine.

"...to paraphrase the Horse, Real is what happens when you become your true self - not a contrived, shiny, pretend thing - and are loved despite, maybe even because of, your imperfections."

This is the founding basis for the book the Velveteen Principles.

No matter what style or lifestyle you follow, whether you're a lolita or not, you've probably run into the concept of Real - or not being Real (the author's capitalization, not mine) and being an Object instead. You might have suppressed an opinion, felt inadequate, tried to look perfectly done up at all times, and tried to fit in with the crowd. You might have tried to meet society's expectations, your expectations, your parents' expectations. You've tried to be something else, something shiny and plastic. For every girl that has stressed over a wrong-twisting curl, a run in her stockings; has worried that her shoes don't match right; has feared that the other girls won't like her; has hidden what she really wants to say; has refrained from the kiss she really wanted to bestow, or the public scene she knew she should make.

Lolitas, who want to look like dolls: glassy, liquid eyes and perfect spiral curls. Girls who glue on eyelashes, put in contact lenses, paint on their lids; powder up their faces, lacquer their nails, stick on gems and wear wigs and draw in eyebrows. A doll is an interesting analogy, isn't it? A doll is another toy in the world of the Velveteen Rabbit. Dolls aren't real. Unless, of course, they are loved.

At first, I wondered if this meant being loved by someone else, like other girls, the Internet, a boy, like the Boy in the storybook. But recognition isn't going to make you Real. Think of all the 'celebrities' in magazines and tabloids - as they are shipped from rehab to runway and back again. We can't be Real by being loved by anyone else, except maybe yourself. But I think the answer to being Real isn't even self-love. Plenty of people love themselves, and are unhappy. I think you need to love someone else. Everyone else. Everything else. Try it. Fall in love with the skyline, with the tail of a squirrel flicking over an acorn, or with the glimmer in your best friend's eye. Lewis Carroll's Through the Looking Glass tells us:

"You won't make yourself a bit realer by crying," Tweedledee remarked.

Of course, this is the opposite idea reflected by the author of the Velveteen Principles. She insists that empathy is the key to being Real. Crying is, after all, a show of emotion, instead of the lack of emotion shown by Objects. Real, the Velveteen Rabbit discovers, is when you love someone so much that you don't put up a front for them. You don't worry that you are 'only made of velveteen', or that your bangs are a askew, or if there is a glaring pimple on your chin. When you are Real, the story tells us, you can't be ugly, except to people who do not understand. Crying, a taboo to many cultures, both men and women, is something involuntary that your emotions require. We fight at keeping them back when it isn't 'acceptable'; we've all devised tricks to not cry until we are alone or with the right people. We smile when we want to scream; we are non-nonchalant when we want to weep. Why should we hide these feelings? How is something so natural supposedly so wrong? Wearing your heart on your sleeve. Perhaps crying is one of the most Real things it is possible to do.

I'll reference again the film Kamikaze Girls. Momoko, the main character, is alone in her world. She focuses on the beauty of things and escaping from a place she doesn't feel she belongs in. In this way, one could say that she Ichigo are alike, hiding from their real selves. Momoko spends her time being her idea of a perfect lolita lady; Ichigo puts effort into being her idea of a perfect Yanki. I think that each of them have turning points of being Real. When Ichigo breaks down and cries, she doesn't mind that Momoko is on the hillside with her. When Momoko decides to sacrifice her clothing (losing her headdress and her white dress getting splattered with blood) to instead stand up for her friend, she becomes Real. They are no longer simply about how they appear. They become deeper than that, from cardboard characters to real people. There's that word again: Real. The most poignant part of the movie is expressed in this song, "She Said" by Yoko Kanno. For a long time, I identified with it; I just never knew why.

Here's my idea about Real: It's not about getting the It Print or getting harassed on the Internet or doing it right or doing it wrong. It's not about wearing platforms or not wearing platforms or taking flattering photo or not taking flattering photos and putting hearts over the face instead. It's not even about how you look to other girls or other lolitas or who catcalls you when you walk around downtown. It's about you, yourself, if it gives you a sense of Realness to examine the roses on your dress, feel the brushed cotton in your fingers; if you feel Real when you gaze into the winter sky, or when you bounce onto your bed to giggle with you friends, all of you scrunching up petticoats and peeking bloomers.

The above photo is shown with a quote from Livejournal's morigirl community. A lolita wanted to get into moristyle, and wasn't sure about the rules - was she going to ruin it? It was such a bittersweet moment, to watch a lolita struggle without the guidance of structure. This response by raino was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I think it shouldn't just be for mori-kei. It shouldn't be a truth that lolita gives you the anxiety of being 'perfect', worried about rules. I think this quote... should be for anything you do in your life.

I quite recommend the Velveteen Principles, and hope I didn't give away so much that you won't read it in its entirety. It's a very little thing, small and 'naturally shy', like the Rabbit - but maybe it will make you too sit in the cold sunshine, and feel some semblance of Reality.

Labels: discussion, inspirational, lifestyle

posted by Victoria Suzanne @ 4:57 PM